On the Thursday before my 30th birthday celebration, my girlfriend was cheating on me.....
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It is the reason I canceled meeting people at the Meridian Room that night and drove to FT Worth. Not to help her change a tire, but to rescue her from a situation she had gotten herself into through lies and deceit. The guy she was cheating with had gone crazy and was trying to hurt her and himself, he ended up being arrested and spent 3 days getting a psych evaluation. ....
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The girlfriend and I decided to try and work things out. It was rough, the 2 days following were actually amazing, everything seemed fine when a large group of us went to dinner at Love and War, breakfast the next day was enjoyable, and I was happy when I went bar hopping with my friends the next night. Except I really wasn’t, it was the beginning of the lies, and I took my pent up rage and anger at the situation out on one of my good friends. I insulted his girlfriend, belittled his manhood and publicly embarrassed him.....
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It was important to me that my friends like my girlfriend, in actuality after the way everyone viewed other Ex’s, I wanted them to like her more than they liked me. I decided then to not tell anyone what had happened, and continued to bottle up my pain. This was easier than it would have been, since I had run my roommate off, I was able to sit at home and get belligerently drunk and blame myself for what had happened. At first I told no one. The girlfriend and I continued to try and build a future together, and I continued to hurt. Eventually I broke down at work, a song came on and it made me start crying, I connected this song with her relationship to another man. I obviously had to talk to someone at that moment, I was in the backroom of my store balling like a child, so I told some coworkers and it helped a little. More importantly it let me know what I needed; I needed someone to talk to. However at the same time my friends were slowly becoming friends with my girlfriend, in many ways I think some of them now feel she is more of a friend than I am. I naturally didn’t want to sabotage her being friends with them, so I continued biting the bullet. I bottled up my emotions and let it drain me. I started drinking more, and worse I started drinking alone. ....
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Summer came and with it an old friend/new roommate, at first I thought, wow, this will be great, one night I can get drunk and tell him what happened, and I will have someone I can talk to. Wrong, I realized if he ends up hating her, then me and him are going to have problems. So I continue to bite the bullet. I talk to acquaintances about what has happened, but never my true friends. Although I may have drunkenly told a certain friend who went with me to see The Melvins, I don’t think he paid any attention to what I was telling him, so I still didn’t talk about it with the people I should have.....
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At the end of the summer she went on vacation, and I became a paranoid wreck, deciding that she had chosen to go to Vegas to cheat on me more, not to just happily celebrate her birthday with her mother. I went a little crazy, went out got drunk alone at a bar, and started lying to the people there about who I was, how important I was, etc. etc, I don’t know why I did this, I just did. I didn’t even remember doing it until a few weeks later when I went to eat alone at the Libertine and one of the strangers I had met that night came up and started talking to me. Evidently the only truth I told him and his friends about myself was that I had been cheated on. It scared me, but I still didn’t talk to anyone. ....
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Winter came, the lady and I were doing better, but there were fights. I usually started them, either because I blamed myself for her cheating, or because I felt she hadn’t done enough to help me heal, or just because I hated her for putting me in the situation. I would go through her phone and ask questions about things in it. In reality though, I just wanted to fight, I thought maybe I could be loud enough that someone hears me and knows what I have been going through. Maybe it was just because I am selfish and whiney, I don’t know for sure, but we fought a lot. I became scary. I also drank a lot. I lied a lot.....
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I knew I was acting different when I drank, so I decided to drink at home instead of going out, or if I went out to drink it was usually alone with the girlfriend, for some reason this seemed safer to me. Until we had a huge fight leaving the Libertine, which led to me drunkenly driving all the way to ....Arlington.... before I realized I was being an ass. After this things were better for a time, but that changed. New Years Eve, and it is weird because some people say I was acting normal that night, but I woke up the next day feeling like I had done something horrible. I still do not know what I did for sure, but I do know that one of my best friends did not talk to me for a couple of weeks because she said I was being fake and mean. Not surprising.....
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This basically sums up how things went until this summer. ....
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A month ago I found out she was cheating again. She was in the back of the house, and her phone kept going off, I tried to ignore it but it went on for close to 30 minutes, finally I opened it up. ....
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Guess what....
She was cheating again.....
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We didn’t, and still haven’t technically broken up, but maybe we should. I don’t know. I do know that I didn’t know who to talk to about this. I didn’t want to have to explain to all my friends the events of the last year, and if me and her did decide to keep trying to work things out I didn’t want them to hate her.....
I tried telling my friends what was going on, but ended up lying more.....
I would say things when drunk, tell stories that I thought were funny, but were just giant lies. ....
I don’t know what else to say....
Maybe I wasn’t biting the bullet....
Maybe I set on all this because it was the first wave of me pushing everyone away.....
Maybe I succeeded.....
